When an Introvert Gets Out.

I recently heard, or rather read, that someone described themselves as an introvert and outgoing. Now I personally believe that this is an oxymoron. I consider myself to be an introvert. I'm perfectly content to stay at home and read a book or play a video game, or just hang out with one or two close friends. I prefer more introverted activities and I would never say I'm outgoing, but that doesn't mean I never leave the house. I've been into trying new things lately. Maybe that's what it means to be an introvert and outgoing? I don't know, this is a hard one. I guess if I think about it, I can see what some people would mean, but I think how people use the word outgoing in general just doesn't correlate with the definition of an introvert. So, what is the definition of an introvert exactly? Well, according to Merriam-Webster online, introversion is the act of directing one's attention toward or getting gratification from one's own interests, thoughts, and feelings. An extrovert is defined as a friendly person who likes being with and talking to other people: an outgoing person.

Well, just the fact the dictionary uses the term outgoing in the definition of extrovert, would imply that an introvert can not be outgoing. But, does that mean that an introvert cannot be a friendly person that that likes being with certain people, or talking to other people? I don't think I like these definitions. They seem very black and white. An extrovert can surely get gratification from being in tune with their own thoughts and feelings. But these are only one set of definitions and I think there are different ways to define or interpret these words. And I don't see the world as being black or white, or one extreme or another. To me, there's always a gray area in everything. So now I feel like I'm facing a conundrum. What am I? Who am I? Ok, that was a bit of an exaggeration haha

I find it harder to socialize with people I don't know and I feel more comfortable in smaller groups or in one to one interactions. I'm very shy and quiet around people I don't know, which makes it hard to connect with new people or meet new people, but once I am comfortable around someone, I feel like my, 'true' personality is able to shine through. I can be very loud with my friends, we feed off of each other's energies, and I do enjoy going out with them, to possibly even, wait for it...try something new and exciting! I've even joined a meet up group and gone out to trivia nights and karaoke! Did I feel uncomfortable at times? Yes. Did I feel a little socially awkward and struggle with what to say at times? Yes. Was it hard? Yes. Am I glad I did it? Yes. Will I do it again? Yes. Will it get easier with time and practice? Yes. So, yes, I'm an introvert and I get out of the house and make an effort to meet new people and make new friends, but I would never consider that to be outgoing in any way. I think that's the difference. An extrovert would just go along for the ride, be able to speak freely and feel less socially awkward. I feel like they are the life of the party, always wanting to be around people, the easiest of people to talk to, and always have a group of people at their disposal to call up and dance the night away. Now that is outgoing!

But really these are all just labels and who cares? You are who you are! I just found it interesting to think about it and wanted to throw my thoughts out there, since it's been something on my mind. I think with everything I've been going through and trying to come up with a fresh start for my life, it's been a goal of mine to get out more and I do want to expand my social circle. I think it's important to try and get out there, inside of staying at home where I could keep ruminating in my thoughts and perpetuating a cycle of loneliness and depression. Now, that's not to say I'm still not dealing with that, because trust me, I am! And to be honest, sometimes I just plain don't want to do it and some of that is just situational right now. For me, I think this is a case of practice makes perfect, or practice makes ... well makes it better!

It's been a new venture for me, to really get out of my comfort zone and it's been challenging. When you have a best friend you do everything with for 4 years, you fall into a routine and a comfort zone and you don't have to do any of these things. You can easily avoid them. It's been hard because I haven't had to do this in years and I haven't wanted to, but now that I'm in a totally different situation, it's not an option anymore to live the way I had lived for so many years. Sometimes it makes me angry that I feel like I have to do these things that are hard for me or that I'm forced to change my life suddenly and do things that are uncomfortable. I see it sometimes as a necessary evil. I've even come home from an event feeling even more sad and alone because I didn't have anything in common with the few people I was sitting with and it's not that I didn't want to not be a part of the conversation, but I didn't have anything to add to that particular subject. It made me think, why did I even bother to go? It was a failure, I should I just stayed home! It just feels discouraging, especially when you try to go out to feel better and end up crying all the way home. But hey, that's my life right now. I just have to remember to be patient with myself and that I'm still making progress and I should be proud of myself that I'm getting out. Like, I said, it will get better with time. After all, I am just an introvert trying to get out! But, in all seriousness, I think in the end it's gonna really pay off for me and I'll be sure to keep you guys filled in!

So, what do you guys think of the whole introvert vs. extrovert thing? Which one are you? Or do you feel like you can't pick one or the other? If you feel like it, leave me a comment below or message me on Google +. I'd be really interested to hear from you guys or even just to hear a hello! Thanks for reading and have a great rest of the weekend!

-Amelia

Taking a Mental Health Break...

So, I know it's been awhile, but I just couldn't bring myself to even blog, much less do anything else and as I sit here in a lot of pain, suffering and wondering when will this ever end? I just wanted to check in and at least right something for anyone out there who reads this. Even just for myself, to accomplish something, to not give up, and to try and get some feelings out. It's just been an exhausting week and I feel drained. I'm just so over these physical problems. It really frustrates me and I try not to lose hope that one day I'll be better. God has a plan for my life and for some reason, which I wish I knew, I just have to endure this right now and have faith that this will get better and this is for a reason. It's such a hard thing to remain positive when you just feel absolutely terrible. I'm having adverse side effects from the medication they put me on and it just makes my mind wonder and spin and think, WHAT IS THE DAMN PROBLEM?? Sorry, for cursing and shouting, but that is just how I feel right now. It's been really limiting on what I can do, which does not help being depressed. I came to a point tonight where I asked myself and the Lord, "Why am I here? What is the point of this suffering and misery? I can't even help myself, so how can I possibly help others Lord and make a difference?"

You know you've reached a low point when you're questioning why you even exist on this planet in the first place. I think I need to do a bit more reflecting on this point. Of course I wish I could have a direct conversation with God and he could just tell me all the answers I want or need to hear, but I know it doesn't work like that. Unfortunately, we just have to be tested. I'm really try to pass this one, I really am. I'm just so tired. I feel beaten down and shaken to my very core. I have goals in my life and all of this extra... "nonsense" I'm dealing with just feels like another set back. Just feels like one bloody set back after another. I feel like, if I knew the reason why this was happening, what good would come of it, it would be easier to handle. But I know that defeats the purpose. The end result wouldn't be the same. It's like in Harry Potter, and yes I'm making a Harry Potter reference. If you don't know me, then I should explain that I am a Harry Potter fanatic, but I'm currently on pain medication and very tired. My brain feels like mush, so forgive me if I get some of it wrong. But, as I was saying, it's like in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone when Harry tells Ron and Hermione that he had a feeling that Dumbledore knew pretty much everything that was happening around Hogwarts and he thought Dumbledore knew they were trying to go after the sorcerer's stone and he let them try because he wanted Harry to be tested and let him try on his own before coming to his rescue, to prove that he could face tough challenges. Well that was the gist of it anyways. Of course Hermione was completely outraged and thought it was horribly irresponsible of Dumbledore to let them face such danger, but Dumbledore knew what he was doing and knew that Harry would only grow stronger from the experience and Harry appreciated that and knew that. Well I feel more like Hermione at this stage, to a certain extent, not exactly the same. I need to be like Harry, assured of himself and confident that he was being tested for a damn good reason and he would rise to the occasion.

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest times if one only remembers to turn on the light." -Albus Dumbledore.

My world sometimes feels like I'm stuck in the darkness, a pitch black room, but I have the ability to turn on the light, somehow, some way. If I can just light even the smallest candle to give myself a flicker of light, I'll become even stronger until I can find that almighty light switch. The one that will fill my room and my world with hope and peace and eventually happiness. I think tonight I was able to get a flickering light started after I went through a few matches. Yes, I was in terrible pain, yes I was miserable, but I decided to do something, to reach out to people and I have to say I love being a Christian. The amazing support you receive from your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, who were more than willing to share testimonies, encouragement, prayers and support. It really was a blessing. Ask and ye shall receive! I'm so thankful to have been able to communicate with such sweet people willing to take time out of their day to spread the good news of the gospel! So I thank you Lord for showing that having even the slightest amount of faith can bring blessings and that you let me know you are there and listening! Praise the Lord!

If anyone is in any need of prayers or encouragement, please feel free to comment or message me and please reach out to someone today that might need it. It really does make a difference. Sorry if this blog was a little rambly and disoriented, but I just wanted to throw something together quick and like I said I've been pretty out of it. Plus, it's 4 in the morning, which is getting late even for me. So thanks for sticking with me and I hope everyone is well. I'll try to check in soon!

I made it through the dreaded weekend!

Well, it's true, I did make it out alive. This weekend was rough, but I knew it would be. I saw all of these lovely posts on Facebook with pictures of flowers that someone's significant other gave them, or an edible arrangement, or even the sappy lovey dovey posts that husbands / wives and girlfriends / boyfriends wrote to each other. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for those people, I'm not completely bitter that I want everyone else to suffer and no one to have a happy Valentine's Day. But all the same, it was hard to see and not feel a little jealous or depressed from it. I even dreamed of waking up and finding an edible arrangement on my doorstep or just a rose or two. Ok, ok, I know that was a completely unrealistic fantasy, but what can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic and it could have just been a friendly gesture, knowing I'm going through a rough time. Yea, I guess that might even be more unrealistic, but it's totally something I would do! In fact, I did get him a little Valentine's gift and before anyone says anything, I couldn't help myself. Like I said, friendly gesture haha

The next day I headed over to the condo to pack up some stuff and I really, really tried not to cry, but I think we all know that I was fighting a losing battle. I must say, I was only half crying most of the time and not hysterically sobbing, that is until I got in the car to go home, leaving him is always the hardest and I usually spend the entire trip half screaming and half sobbing and I wind up with on the worst headaches by the time I get home. But I think I made some progress by not falling into full on hysterics. I had this lovely game plan in my head. Oh, I'll just go over, have a good day, pack up my stuff, watch one of our favorite shows together and it'll be a good day. Well... let's just say pretty much none of my plan worked out. It turns out there was a little miscommunication and he wasn't able to be home earlier and then he had a lot of work to do. So, I was already anxious about packing my things and I think that only added to my being overwhelmed. I only got some of my stuff packed up and we weren't able to watch our show because he had things he needed to do for work.

Ok, here's the thing. The minute I walked in that door and saw him, I feel like I fell in love with him all over again. My mind and body were dying for a hug, a touch, any sort of affection. I just wanted to curl up on the couch with him, like old times, and feel safe and secure. He was my comfort, my rock, my everything. I still want all of those things and I would kill just to have that love returned. I think one of the hardest things to deal with in life is loving someone so completely and unconditionally and not being able to feel that love in return or not to be able to be with that person. I think that's why the water works come so easily when I see him, I just can't turn off my feelings for him and I don't want to. My stubborn self still wants to believe that he could be my soulmate. It's so hard to just want to be held by someone and you have to just keep your distance. I'm not naive enough to think that if we were to get back together today, everything would be fine. No, I know that we both have our own separate issues that we would need to work on and it would take a lot of time and commitment and 100% effort on both our parts. I believe we both need time to find ourselves and grow as people, but that doesn't mean that it can't ever happen. But I'll be damned if I'll ever let my best friend go. I'll do whatever it takes and I'll never stop fighting for us, even if he decides that it's not what he wants, I'll always leave the door open for him and I hope he knows that.

Some people may think I'm crazy. Maybe some people, some friends might ask, "Why? Why not just let go? Move on!" Yes, I may be crazy, but ya know what? I'm also one of the most loyal and possibly stubborn people you will ever meet and I just don't believe in giving up on someone you care about or someone you love. It's just not in my nature. I hope it doesn't lead me to more heartbreak in the future, because I feel like I've had enough of that to last a lifetime. But it's also a risk I'm willing to take.

I feel like I've already learned so much about myself and life throughout this process. Yes, I did make mistakes, but I think that's ok to do when you're still growing up, as long as you do learn something from it and try to make yourself a better person. I can honestly say that I don't think I would make a lot of the mistakes I've made in the past and I know this is just another life experience under my belt. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and everything in life is a lesson. I think I've gained a lot more empathy for other people and knowing what it's like to crave empathy from others and not receiving it, it only makes me want to keep that door open no matter what. To always be there for him and to always support him if he ever does need me. I know guys have a harder time expressing their emotions and not wanting to seem vulnerable, so they are less likely to ask for help. And I'm not singling him out, I really do mean guys in general. But I do hope if he (or anyone for that matter) really needs me or just feel like he needs someone, that he'll always let me be there for him and support him, and that's part of why my door will always be open. When I try to envision the future, I see both of us happy and healthy, living life as the best versions of ourselves, and always being there for each other.

 I know I've been trying to work on myself lately and I've been writing a lot about my coping and my feelings and this was a very detailed and specific post about this weekend and the time he and I spent together, but it's all just so raw and fresh and I needed to write it all out and I feel like this blog is very therapeutic for me and I need to write what I feel like I need to write. Sometimes, it just comes pouring out and maybe someone else out there can relate! Thanks to anyone tuning in and sticking with me, I really appreciate it and feel free to anyone out there to reach out to me. Hope everyone is well and I will write again soon and fill everyone in!

And to You, if you ever read this. I love you forever and always, no matter what. You know who you are <3

Packing up for a new life?

I've felt my anxiety getting worse throughout this week and I'm pretty sure I know why. Well as we all know, Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm not sure how I feel, or rather how I'm going to feel on that day. It'll be the first time in 4 years that I'll be single. The first time in 4 years with no valentine. I know it's just a hallmark holiday and lots of couples don't celebrate it, but it's more the significance of what it means. It's nice to feel loved and appreciated and it's not even about the gifts, but those are nice of course! But to get a card or a rose, to have someone you love, tell you they love you. It just makes you feel good and I know I'll miss it. But I also know it's not forever. I need to remind myself that this is a temporary situation, even though it feels like permanent misery when I'm at a low point. 

I do feel bad because it's also my mom's birthday on Valentine's Day and I don't want to take away from her birthday by bringing everyone down with me, but I'm really in no mood to celebrate anything. Luckily my mom is pretty laid back and doesn't really want to go out that day anyways because it's going to be crowded, so we're just going to go out to dinner another night. I know I'll be happy when we do something for her birthday, but I will be very happy when this holiday is over and there are no more commercials and radio advertisements about sappy couple things.

As if that wasn't bad enough in my current situation, the day after Valentine's Day, I'm going to pack up my stuff and then start planning when to move my furniture out. I just don't even want to think about it to be honest. My brain goes into overdrive thinking about the stuff I have to do and what should I do first and am I going to miss something? I really don't even know where to start. Should I make a list of things I need to get? But I know I'm not going to remember everything and I'm scared I'll forget something, but I'm telling myself that I don't have to get it all done in one day, I can always go back another time and get the rest of my stuff. That seems to help my anxiety a little bit when I try to remind myself of things like that, that it's not an all or nothing situation. It's also about trying not to be so hard on myself and having such specific expectations for every situation. 

The bottom line is that I will get all of my stuff eventually, it probably won't all be in one day, and yes it will be hard and emotional and I probably will cry, which he hates. I will get my furniture eventually and it will suck really badly and I'll feel guilty because it will be expensive and my parents will have to pay for it and I'll probably cry some more. Everything will just feel so final after that. My heart can't help but keep hoping and these are just more steps in the opposite direction I want to be going. But I believe if it is meant to be, we'll be together again in the future. I'm just trying to take it day by day and remain patient with myself. I'm really going to try very hard over the next couple days to not drive myself and others crazy with list making, questions, and just general fears about this weekend. 

I really want him and I to remain friends and even if it takes time for us to get past any awkwardness or negative feelings, I really can't imagine him not in my life. I can't imagine losing my best friend forever and each day that goes past with no text or communication, I can't help hanging onto that fear. We talked about it and he said he needs time to be friends but that is ultimately what he wants and I have to respect that and just pray that we will always be there to support each other. I have to believe him when he tells me that. I'm also afraid I'll mess it up this weekend by being an emotional wreck, which will only convince him he should stay far away... 

But I've already made progress and I know I'm a strong person and I can do this. My friend gave me some advice to just go over there with no expectations and to not bring anything up that doesn't need to be brought up. More information and questions can be answered later, after we've established our friendship back. My anxious brain wants to know everything, every detail right away, question everything all the time. It'll be hard to rein it in, but it's something I need to do and something I need to work on. I'm just praying for as peaceful and productive a day as possible, with no fighting or drama and to spend some good quality time with someone who will always be my best friend. Feel free to send me some prayers or any advice you guys have! I will make it through this, even if I'm a few boxes short...

-Amelia

Yes, I am Cover-Gorgeous!

Covergirl, Ready Set Gorgeous! 

So, I thought I would post my thoughts on Covergirl's Ready Set Gorgeous foundation, since I'm so in love with it! Of course I was skeptical at first because one, it's a drugstore foundation, and two, it was only $8! I mean, how good could this product possibly be for only $8. And yes, I know it's supposed to be cheaper because it's a drugstore product and I'm not against all drugstore make up. I usually just err on the side of caution, I suppose. Now lip gloss, mascara, and stuff like that I'm not as concerned about, but I'm much more conscientious of my foundations because obviously, they're going all over your face and I want to make sure I'm not putting something on my skin that is going to break it out.

Now, I know this is just some basic packaging, but for some reason I find it really cute and I love the name! I think it's very fitting considering that was exactly how I felt after I put it on! I wear the shade 120 (nude beige). They have a really great color selection and have a lot of shades for darker skin as well, which I think can be tricky to find sometimes. 

Here's what the back of the package says:

• Won't clog pores
• Suitable for sensitive skin
• Oil free
• Lasts all day

Yes, yes, yes, and yes! It really does feel weightless and natural on my skin and it looks flawless. Seven hours later and it still looks like when I put it on. I'm especially impressed by this because I have oily skin and no other foundation that I've worn has lasted more than a few hours without my forehead looking a little shiny. I remember being shocked looking in the mirror at the end of the day and not seeing the usual 'greasy' look that would need a touch up. If you have oily skin, you have to try this! I cannot say enough good things about it and I can't really come up with any negatives! So, yes, obviously I recommend this.

Recap

• Long lasting
• Has a natural and weightless feel
• Great for oily skin
• Doesn't break your skin out
• Great range of shades

So if you guys try it out, lemme know what you think and leave me a comment or just say hey :)

-Amelia

Relapsing? What am I in rehab??

I know I have multiple things I need to work on. But I'm finding myself getting discouraged easily and not being able to see any progress that is being made. If I sit down and write out how I've changed and how I've gotten better over the past couple weeks, I know I would have something positive to write. My mom even tells me I'm making progress, but it's just hard to believe sometimes when I see something that sparks a memory, or randomly think of something that can bring tears to my eyes in an instant. That doesn't feel like progress. To be honest? It feels like a relapse. That thought completely terrifies me. What would that mean for my future? That I'll never feel better? Or that I'll start to feel better and go back to square one again? Because I'll tell you something. Square one is not an option. It's an unbearable, miserable, horrendous place to be. It feels like there is no hope left in the world and what's the point of going on? 

I have to take a step back and try to think rationally and not emotionally. Emotional thinking isn't logical. It clouds your judgement and leaves you swimming in a sea of negativity. Emotional thinking leaves me feeling like I've taken two steps forward and three steps back, like I've left rehab, where I was doing fine, and now that I've been thrown back into the real world, I feel myself floundering. Wouldn't that be great if you could check yourself into rehab for a broken heart? I feel like that's something a celebrity would do. I feel like they can pretty much check themselves into rehab for just about anything. 

My rational thoughts do tell me that I have made progress and that I need to be more patient. I think I need more patience in general. This is a process and it's going to take time. I know I keep repeating myself. It will take time, more time, time, time, time! That's where the whole patience thing comes in. To me, it feels like it's been years of suffering. Ok, not quite, but it feels like it's been forever since I've been happy and I know it feels like it's longer than it has been, but that doesn't make it easier. I'm not really convinced that you can make yourself a patient person if you're naturally impatient. It just doesn't seem very likely to me and I wouldn't even know how to begin to work on that, except to remind myself that it's ok to be where I'm at and it won't be forever. 

I did get out of the house tonight and made a trip to Torrid, which is one of my favorite stores. Just the fact that I was shopping for some pieces with the thought of wearing them to some girl's nights out is progress. I think that says something about making an effort and trying to get out there. It's also good to do things for yourself and treat yourself every once in awhile! In fact, maybe I'll make a fashion post soon ;) Well, I think that's all I had to say for now. Just wanted to do a quick check in and for now, I haven't relapsed. At least not too bad... 

-Amelia

Yea, I Put Cocoa Powder on My Face!

Cocoa Powder Foundation Review

So, I thought I'd mix it up a bit and start writing some other entries I've been meaning to do. Make up is one of my hobbies, in case you didn't already know. I love watching YouTube videos on reviews and tutorials and I even have some favorite gurus that I follow religiously. I love watching MakeUpByTiffanyD, and she has an awesome review and demo video I'll link for you guys at the end of the article if you want to check it out. She has been such an inspiration because she has such a sweet personality and gives great advice and tips on how to achieve the look you want. When I'm feeling really down, I love to watch some of her videos and they're a nice escape. Now, make up is only a hobby for me and I have A LOT to learn! I know I'll never be on the level of those gurus, but it's fun to just mess around with and it's nice to feel girly sometimes and throw on some make up for a nice night out for a confidence booster! 

I had seen this foundation at my local Sephora and I was looking into getting a new powder foundation and what's cooler than one that smells like chocolate?? Now I have to tell you that I have oily skin, so this is definitely a good choice if you're in the same boat. It's $34 and there are 8 different shades, which all have a matte finish and range from fair to deep tan, so there's a good selection and you'll most likely be able to find one that works for you. I personally use the golden light shade.

What I like

• Feels lightweight on your face
• Keeps the shine away
• Covers most, but not all of my natural redness 
• Smells amazing
• I know it won't break me out or make any active breakouts worse 

There are some things written on the Too Faced website that I disagree with. I'll discuss that down below. 

What I don't like

• The website says the foundation is medium to full coverage and I highly disagree with that. I would say it's light to medium, depending on how you build it up.
• Also, it claims to cover imperfections. If you're having an active break out, or even some that are healing, this will not cover it very well, but I don't have that much of a problem with that because most people would use concealer anyways.
• It's a very loose powder, with a lot of fallout! If not careful, you can waste a lot. 

Overall, I do really like this foundation and my face doesn't have that gross caked on make up feel at the end of the day, which is a really good feeling because I know after I've used my make up removing wipes and wash my face, it's all gone! I love the black plastic packaging with the gold ring on the inside and the mirror. It's compact, but feels sturdy. I would not use the little puff it comes with, unless you're on the go and don't have another brush with you. I just don't feel like it gives you the best application. And for those of you who are concerned about the fact that it smells like chocolate, it's not an overwhelming scent, just slightly sweet and it goes away almost immediately. I would recommend this foundation, so if any of you guys give it a try, lemme know what you think and if you agree with the review!  Here is Tiffany's review video. Thanks for reading! 

-Amelia 

Game Day

Well the big day has come and gone. Yes, I'm talking about the Super Bowl. I definitely say I am glad it's over, for more than one reason. Anyone who knows me, knows I despise football with a passion. I'm just not a sports person and I don't see the appeal of it. I've tried to get into, I really have, but I just don't understand the whole culture of it. But this year I wanted to make it a point to get out of the house and find something to do, because I would have gladly watched it with one person. I would have appreciated every moment of that damn game, I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else in the world, but with this one person. I would have cherished that day, like I cherish all of our other memories together, but unfortunately it was just another painful reminder that this was an important day to him, a fun day, and I couldn't be a part of it, no matter how badly I wanted to. I knew that if I stayed home, one of two things would happen, I would sleep away the day to try and forget about it, or I would be wallowing in my sorrow and crying every time I would hear the sounds of the game coming from the next room.

Maybe I made the right decision, maybe I didn't, considering I spent most of the game staring at the tv with my eyes glazed over. I was grateful to be able to go with a friend of a friend's house, but I swear to you, my brain would not process the images on the screen. By the end of the game, I still couldn't tell you what team wore what color and who had won or lost. I will admit I did find the half time show enjoyable, so that's something. And truth be told, most people were on their phones after that anyways. My goal was to get out of the house, meet some new people and not be a hermit for the day, and to show that, yes for the past four years I watched the Super Bowl with my other half, he doesn't own that day. I could still get out and watch it and make plans and I didn't need him to do so. Although obviously, I think we all know what I would have chosen, if I had been invited somewhere else.

Overall, I think I accomplished what I set out to do. I think in times like these, you just have to force yourself to leave the house, or even just your room from time to time. You have to join the real world and not hide away from the rest of the world. Ok, I know I'm a hypocrite, because yes I would love to hide from the rest of the world, and actually I think that's ok. As long as you do make an effort from time to time, and then hopefully with time, it'll get easier and it won't be as much of an effort. My good friend Danielle said I should give myself a pat on the back for making it through three hours of football, or however long it was and she definitely would not have lasted that long. I got a kick out of that. I made it! haha

In fact, maybe I should be patting myself on the back. On Saturday I hung out with another good friend I've known since 7th grade and at the end of the night we decided to go grab some dinner. We ended up with two choices and I consciously chose to eat at a burger place that I hadn't eaten at since before the break up. Of course it made me sad because he was the last person I ate there with, but I think it was a giant step forward for me, or maybe just a baby step, but either way, it was something I've avoided until now. I've avoided anything that even slightly reminds me of him, which of course is not feasible to continue forever. We have a long history together and I don't think I could possibly avoid every single place we've been together, or even the places where the last time I visited it was just me or him. I wouldn't have very many places to go, to be honest. And I'm not ready to throw myself into watching our old tv shows, I'm still avoiding that, or visiting all of our old places, but I'm glad that I did it and I know I can do it.

I've always done things in my own time and maybe that's been a bit slower than other people, but I'm happy taking baby steps, because I know they're steps. I'm still depressed everyday and I'm still having trouble doing little things and mustering enough energy to get through the day without a nap. I think it's important for me to mention something about that last sentence, for me and all the other sufferers of mental health issues out there. I have to stress that this is not a form of laziness by any means. I can only speak personally about my own experiences, but I am educated on this subject, through personal experiences, hearing the experiences of others, having a bachelor's degree in psychology, and wanting to be a counselor one day, I do have some knowledge on the subject. But I am in no way an expert, or even close. It just kills me when I hear people throw out the lazy term, when they've never experienced depression. I know that most people can't understand what it's like, but I think more people should make an effort to be as empathetic as they possibly can, even if they'll never fully know. Depressed people have trouble with energy levels and motivation and it's not because they don't care or they don't want to do something.

For me personally, it's more a matter of feeling as if I can't do something because such a simple task can be so monumentally physically and mentally exhausting that I just shut down. I can feel it happening. My brain starts to tune out (much like when I watch football I suppose!), and I just want to curl up in bed and sleep the day away to get all the negative or anxious feelings at bay. I WANT to pick up that telephone and make that phone call, I WANT to put those dishes in the dishwasher, but my arms and hands start to feel like lead and my eyes start to droop as I stare off into space. I may start thinking, "What's the point? What does any of this matter?" And if I do manage those tasks, that just about takes any energy I had in the first place, but that's a victory for me. Now this may sound extreme and sure, it's an extreme example, not everyday or certainly not everyone is like this. But it does happen, especially during difficult life situations.

 I've also tried to remember that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. So I need a nap, who cares. So I need an off day, to escape and do nothing. It's not the end of the world. I'm still healing and I'm still not ok. The point is that I'm trying and at times, I'm succeeding. I need to be kind to myself and my body and take the time I need, because really, it will take time, maybe a lot of time, and there's no point in fighting that. So no, I'm not lazy, and I know that and the people that truly care about me know that, but I hope that more and more people think before they throw out labels. Ok, my lecture is over! Wasn't too bad, right?

I'm just tired of being sad. Being sad makes me tired and I'm tired of being tired. I guess it's a cycle, but one that can and will be broken. And I did survive game day didn't I? If I can survive that, I can survive this right? I made it. I can do this and I can make it!

-Amelia

Breaking Up is Hard To Do...

I have to say the past few months have been some of the worst months of my life. Sure, people say dramatic things all the time. "OMG! That was the worst day of my life!" Or, "Ugh, I hate my life!" Phrases that can hold so much meaning and intensity have become so blasé in today's society. It's a shame really, because we all should have been saving them for when we really needed them. It's as if we've cried wolf too many times and now no one will take them seriously. Well, I'm asking for a favor from everyone. To save their phrases for when they're needed and for people to really start listening to each other. Let's all save the dramatics for a truly dramatic situation.

I guess you could say I have been dramatic lately, and for a damn good reason. I will use those phrases today and very likely for many days to come. Today feels like one of the worst days of my life and yes, I sort of hate it, but I think that's ok for now. Breaking up is hard to do and everyone is different and every situation is different. Some break ups are harder than others. I can only speak about my own experiences and this break up is nearly killing me. I truly believed that I had found my soul mate and my other half, my best friend and confidante. My everything. And now it's gone. He's gone. My one and only. A part of me still believes deep down that he is my true soul mate and we'll end up back together one day. I know that if it's meant to be, some how, some way, we'll find our way back to each other, like the plot of a Nicholas Sparks novel.

God is the only one that knows who the right person for me is, but for now, it's just not who I thought it was. I think the hardest thing about this whole situation is that I love him unconditionally. Yes, he has flaws and things to work and so do I, but ya know what? I could never stop loving him, no matter how hard I tried. I accept him for him and would do anything for him and I hope he never forgets that. It's sad to feel like your future has been ripped away from you after you've envisioned a happy ending for so long. An ending, or rather a beginning I guess you could say, with an expensive white gown and fancy cake, followed shortly thereafter by the pitter patter of little feet running around.

I just have to have faith that I can survive this, that I can still have my white gown and cake in the future, but I need to accept that it won't be in my timing or happen in the way I want it to. I'm not in charge of that and that's a hard pill to swallow. But in the here and now, I'll have to deal with the long days and nights of uncertainty, the tension / stress headaches I so frequently get from the non stop crying, and the general feeling of loneliness that's settled upon me, like a grey cloud hovering above my head.

I'm thankful for the support from family and friends that I've been getting that have made it possible to even get out of bed and to force down some food from time to time. Yea, it really has been that difficult. Anything past sleeping and eating (maybe a meal a day) seems like an exhausting chore that I just don't have the motivation to complete.

But then there are those moments in the day where I catch myself smiling, where I accomplish one productive thing, no matter how small, and I realize that the dramatics won't be here forever. Yes, it will hurt like a bitch for a long time, I will have my moments of hopelessness and my setbacks, and quite frankly I know I won't be ok for a long, long time. But Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, did not put me on this earth to suffer endlessly.  I have a purpose and I want to reach out and help people, people like me, who need it the most. So, yes, my future was ripped away from me, but I've created a new one for myself and when I get my counseling degree in a few years, I know I will be able to make a difference and I think I'll be a damn good one. I'll have the advantage of having plenty of empathy and that, I think will be invaluable. While breaking up is hard to do, sometimes the hardest thing to do, there's no other option but to stand on your own two feet and just keep going.

Thanks for sticking with me for a long one! I think I'm actually quite incapable of writing a short post once I get started! But please, if there is anyone out there suffering or anyone that just wants to reach out, please do so. I'd love to hear from you and I welcome any feedback. Words of encouragement are also very much appreciated. I'd love to reach out and meet new people. God Bless!

-Amelia

Getting By...

Have you ever had the feeling of the wind being knocked out of you? An intense sensation, so sudden, it stops you in your tracks? Yea, trust me, I know that feeling. The worst part about it, is that it's often unexpected or comes with little to no notice. All you can do is try to keep going, step by step, breath by breath, thought by thought. Anything to work through it and carry on as if nothing happened, but you're almost doing yourself a disservice because something did happen. Some thought, some object or word, reminded you of things you don't want to be thinking about, things you can't be thinking about if you want to keep a smile on your face, even if it's fake or just to be polite.

I had to visit the doctor the other day and he actually told me that I needed to smile more, to which I just smiled politely, the kind that doesn't reach your eyes, which doesn't make it any less genuine, in my opinion, it's just the best a person can do sometimes. Lately, it seems like I can't escape those dreadful reminders of a different life, a happier life, a life where a piece of my heart and soul wasn't missing. I suppose the most inconvenient times to have these little bouts of anxiety are when I'm driving in the car, especially at night. I'll drive by a certain store or restaurant or a crowded movie theater on a Saturday night, when I know the only place I have to go is home, and the waterworks just start flowing. The gut feeling hits me, the wind knocking feeling and I have to struggle not to lose control of myself, because after all, I am driving. My mom always worries when I tell her this and reminds me how unsafe it is, but it's not like I asked for it, it's not like I can just turn it off.

To make things worse lately, I've been in a lot of physical pain, hence the visit to the doctor. I'm trying all things possible to avoid having my gallbladder removed, so we'll see how that turns out. It just makes you wonder, how much can one person take? I already feel like I'm at my breaking point at times, where I just want to scream and throw things and just altogether give up. I know that God tests people and the whole point is to keep your faith. Keep going and you will be rewarded. I mean, I don't think I can be miserable and in pain my whole life, but it makes me angry and resentful. Why am I being tested this hard and so consistently? What did I do to deserve this? I don't think it's a punishment. I'd like to think that some of the strongest people are the ones that are thrown the most to deal with. I've been through a whole heck of a lot in my lifetime and I've always come out through it in the end and I can only assume this is no different, but I have to admit, it's never been quite this bad. But as everyone says, time heals, time makes everything better and I've never been a very patient person, so perhaps that doesn't help, but I believe, or I have to believe, that one day things will get better. So please Lord, if you're listening, please help me hold onto this hope and help put the pieces of my life back together.

And one day, hopefully sooner, rather than later, my blogs won't be quite so depressing and I can add in some other topics I like to talk about as well. In fact, I might make that a goal. To review some books, talk about some make up, and just try to focus on other things as well. But I hope by sharing all of this, I can help someone out there. Let someone else know that they're not alone and not the only ones going through what seems to be a hopeless time in their lives. And if I meet some people I can commiserate with and just share some encouragement between each other, then this will all be worth. For now, I'm getting by, just like I always have, and I hope anyone out there struggling is doing the same! God bless!

Let's take it from the top!

I suppose I should introduce myself, as that only seems natural for a first post. But what to say? To bore you tedious details of my life? No, that doesn't seem fitting, at least not yet, seeing as how we only just met a sentence ago. A name seems like a good place to start though. I'm Amelia and I'm twenty six years old. I like to write, read, play video games, play around with make up, and take long walks on the... wait, never mind, scratch that. That's what everyone says right? Or, you're supposed to say that. I think I got confused for a second. I'm writing a blog and not filling out an online dating profile. Right, got it! There'll be a better time to learn more in the future, but I think that was a decent start for us to get acquainted.

I love how writing can be so therapeutic and so different for everyone. How everyone has a different style and different preferences, but even through those differences, writing can bring people together. It's a way to vent, to commiserate, to express things that can only expressed through the glorious expulsion of your innermost ideas and feelings. I've written my entire life and I can remember sitting on an airplane around the age of six and writing my own little story (as much as a six year old can write), and proudly explaining it to the woman I sat next to. My mother apologized to the lady and told me not to bother her, but the woman didn't seem to mind. "Oh, she's fine," the woman told my mother. "She's very creative."

I'm thankful that creativity has stuck with me ever since. I've even started a few novels. Yes, I know, that sounds terribly cliché, but alas, it's true. My stories are all my own and I've kept them that way, but I've decided to break out of my comfort zone a little bit and let my thoughts all hang out there. When you struggle with anxiety, you have to find ways to cope, and I thought a blog would be a nice healthy way to try and deal with my feelings. I must confess though, I'm an avid YouTube watcher and I follow grav3yardgirl religiously. If you haven't seen her channel, I would highly recommend giving it a try! I always admire how she feels free to be herself and speak openly about her struggles with depression and anxiety and never shies away from flaunting her sassy and quirky personality on camera. I figured if Bunny could do it, then why can't I? And why support this negative stigma our country has with discussing mental health issues?

So I guess that's why I'm here. To give this whole blogging your feelings to the internet world a shot! I really don't know if it's going to help, if it's going to stick, or really, what's going to happen. But I do know one thing, and that is that sometimes a writer just has to write!