Well, it's true, I did make it out alive. This weekend was rough, but I knew it would be. I saw all of these lovely posts on Facebook with pictures of flowers that someone's significant other gave them, or an edible arrangement, or even the sappy lovey dovey posts that husbands / wives and girlfriends / boyfriends wrote to each other. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for those people, I'm not completely bitter that I want everyone else to suffer and no one to have a happy Valentine's Day. But all the same, it was hard to see and not feel a little jealous or depressed from it. I even dreamed of waking up and finding an edible arrangement on my doorstep or just a rose or two. Ok, ok, I know that was a completely unrealistic fantasy, but what can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic and it could have just been a friendly gesture, knowing I'm going through a rough time. Yea, I guess that might even be more unrealistic, but it's totally something I would do! In fact, I did get him a little Valentine's gift and before anyone says anything, I couldn't help myself. Like I said, friendly gesture haha
The next day I headed over to the condo to pack up some stuff and I really, really tried not to cry, but I think we all know that I was fighting a losing battle. I must say, I was only half crying most of the time and not hysterically sobbing, that is until I got in the car to go home, leaving him is always the hardest and I usually spend the entire trip half screaming and half sobbing and I wind up with on the worst headaches by the time I get home. But I think I made some progress by not falling into full on hysterics. I had this lovely game plan in my head. Oh, I'll just go over, have a good day, pack up my stuff, watch one of our favorite shows together and it'll be a good day. Well... let's just say pretty much none of my plan worked out. It turns out there was a little miscommunication and he wasn't able to be home earlier and then he had a lot of work to do. So, I was already anxious about packing my things and I think that only added to my being overwhelmed. I only got some of my stuff packed up and we weren't able to watch our show because he had things he needed to do for work.
Ok, here's the thing. The minute I walked in that door and saw him, I feel like I fell in love with him all over again. My mind and body were dying for a hug, a touch, any sort of affection. I just wanted to curl up on the couch with him, like old times, and feel safe and secure. He was my comfort, my rock, my everything. I still want all of those things and I would kill just to have that love returned. I think one of the hardest things to deal with in life is loving someone so completely and unconditionally and not being able to feel that love in return or not to be able to be with that person. I think that's why the water works come so easily when I see him, I just can't turn off my feelings for him and I don't want to. My stubborn self still wants to believe that he could be my soulmate. It's so hard to just want to be held by someone and you have to just keep your distance. I'm not naive enough to think that if we were to get back together today, everything would be fine. No, I know that we both have our own separate issues that we would need to work on and it would take a lot of time and commitment and 100% effort on both our parts. I believe we both need time to find ourselves and grow as people, but that doesn't mean that it can't ever happen. But I'll be damned if I'll ever let my best friend go. I'll do whatever it takes and I'll never stop fighting for us, even if he decides that it's not what he wants, I'll always leave the door open for him and I hope he knows that.
Some people may think I'm crazy. Maybe some people, some friends might ask, "Why? Why not just let go? Move on!" Yes, I may be crazy, but ya know what? I'm also one of the most loyal and possibly stubborn people you will ever meet and I just don't believe in giving up on someone you care about or someone you love. It's just not in my nature. I hope it doesn't lead me to more heartbreak in the future, because I feel like I've had enough of that to last a lifetime. But it's also a risk I'm willing to take.
I feel like I've already learned so much about myself and life throughout this process. Yes, I did make mistakes, but I think that's ok to do when you're still growing up, as long as you do learn something from it and try to make yourself a better person. I can honestly say that I don't think I would make a lot of the mistakes I've made in the past and I know this is just another life experience under my belt. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and everything in life is a lesson. I think I've gained a lot more empathy for other people and knowing what it's like to crave empathy from others and not receiving it, it only makes me want to keep that door open no matter what. To always be there for him and to always support him if he ever does need me. I know guys have a harder time expressing their emotions and not wanting to seem vulnerable, so they are less likely to ask for help. And I'm not singling him out, I really do mean guys in general. But I do hope if he (or anyone for that matter) really needs me or just feel like he needs someone, that he'll always let me be there for him and support him, and that's part of why my door will always be open. When I try to envision the future, I see both of us happy and healthy, living life as the best versions of ourselves, and always being there for each other.
I know I've been trying to work on myself lately and I've been writing a lot about my coping and my feelings and this was a very detailed and specific post about this weekend and the time he and I spent together, but it's all just so raw and fresh and I needed to write it all out and I feel like this blog is very therapeutic for me and I need to write what I feel like I need to write. Sometimes, it just comes pouring out and maybe someone else out there can relate! Thanks to anyone tuning in and sticking with me, I really appreciate it and feel free to anyone out there to reach out to me. Hope everyone is well and I will write again soon and fill everyone in!
And to You, if you ever read this. I love you forever and always, no matter what. You know who you are <3
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