I do feel bad because it's also my mom's birthday on Valentine's Day and I don't want to take away from her birthday by bringing everyone down with me, but I'm really in no mood to celebrate anything. Luckily my mom is pretty laid back and doesn't really want to go out that day anyways because it's going to be crowded, so we're just going to go out to dinner another night. I know I'll be happy when we do something for her birthday, but I will be very happy when this holiday is over and there are no more commercials and radio advertisements about sappy couple things.
As if that wasn't bad enough in my current situation, the day after Valentine's Day, I'm going to pack up my stuff and then start planning when to move my furniture out. I just don't even want to think about it to be honest. My brain goes into overdrive thinking about the stuff I have to do and what should I do first and am I going to miss something? I really don't even know where to start. Should I make a list of things I need to get? But I know I'm not going to remember everything and I'm scared I'll forget something, but I'm telling myself that I don't have to get it all done in one day, I can always go back another time and get the rest of my stuff. That seems to help my anxiety a little bit when I try to remind myself of things like that, that it's not an all or nothing situation. It's also about trying not to be so hard on myself and having such specific expectations for every situation.
The bottom line is that I will get all of my stuff eventually, it probably won't all be in one day, and yes it will be hard and emotional and I probably will cry, which he hates. I will get my furniture eventually and it will suck really badly and I'll feel guilty because it will be expensive and my parents will have to pay for it and I'll probably cry some more. Everything will just feel so final after that. My heart can't help but keep hoping and these are just more steps in the opposite direction I want to be going. But I believe if it is meant to be, we'll be together again in the future. I'm just trying to take it day by day and remain patient with myself. I'm really going to try very hard over the next couple days to not drive myself and others crazy with list making, questions, and just general fears about this weekend.
I really want him and I to remain friends and even if it takes time for us to get past any awkwardness or negative feelings, I really can't imagine him not in my life. I can't imagine losing my best friend forever and each day that goes past with no text or communication, I can't help hanging onto that fear. We talked about it and he said he needs time to be friends but that is ultimately what he wants and I have to respect that and just pray that we will always be there to support each other. I have to believe him when he tells me that. I'm also afraid I'll mess it up this weekend by being an emotional wreck, which will only convince him he should stay far away...
But I've already made progress and I know I'm a strong person and I can do this. My friend gave me some advice to just go over there with no expectations and to not bring anything up that doesn't need to be brought up. More information and questions can be answered later, after we've established our friendship back. My anxious brain wants to know everything, every detail right away, question everything all the time. It'll be hard to rein it in, but it's something I need to do and something I need to work on. I'm just praying for as peaceful and productive a day as possible, with no fighting or drama and to spend some good quality time with someone who will always be my best friend. Feel free to send me some prayers or any advice you guys have! I will make it through this, even if I'm a few boxes short...
-Amelia
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