Relapsing? What am I in rehab??

I know I have multiple things I need to work on. But I'm finding myself getting discouraged easily and not being able to see any progress that is being made. If I sit down and write out how I've changed and how I've gotten better over the past couple weeks, I know I would have something positive to write. My mom even tells me I'm making progress, but it's just hard to believe sometimes when I see something that sparks a memory, or randomly think of something that can bring tears to my eyes in an instant. That doesn't feel like progress. To be honest? It feels like a relapse. That thought completely terrifies me. What would that mean for my future? That I'll never feel better? Or that I'll start to feel better and go back to square one again? Because I'll tell you something. Square one is not an option. It's an unbearable, miserable, horrendous place to be. It feels like there is no hope left in the world and what's the point of going on? 

I have to take a step back and try to think rationally and not emotionally. Emotional thinking isn't logical. It clouds your judgement and leaves you swimming in a sea of negativity. Emotional thinking leaves me feeling like I've taken two steps forward and three steps back, like I've left rehab, where I was doing fine, and now that I've been thrown back into the real world, I feel myself floundering. Wouldn't that be great if you could check yourself into rehab for a broken heart? I feel like that's something a celebrity would do. I feel like they can pretty much check themselves into rehab for just about anything. 

My rational thoughts do tell me that I have made progress and that I need to be more patient. I think I need more patience in general. This is a process and it's going to take time. I know I keep repeating myself. It will take time, more time, time, time, time! That's where the whole patience thing comes in. To me, it feels like it's been years of suffering. Ok, not quite, but it feels like it's been forever since I've been happy and I know it feels like it's longer than it has been, but that doesn't make it easier. I'm not really convinced that you can make yourself a patient person if you're naturally impatient. It just doesn't seem very likely to me and I wouldn't even know how to begin to work on that, except to remind myself that it's ok to be where I'm at and it won't be forever. 

I did get out of the house tonight and made a trip to Torrid, which is one of my favorite stores. Just the fact that I was shopping for some pieces with the thought of wearing them to some girl's nights out is progress. I think that says something about making an effort and trying to get out there. It's also good to do things for yourself and treat yourself every once in awhile! In fact, maybe I'll make a fashion post soon ;) Well, I think that's all I had to say for now. Just wanted to do a quick check in and for now, I haven't relapsed. At least not too bad... 

-Amelia