Well the big day has come and gone. Yes, I'm talking about the Super Bowl. I definitely say I am glad it's over, for more than one reason. Anyone who knows me, knows I despise football with a passion. I'm just not a sports person and I don't see the appeal of it. I've tried to get into, I really have, but I just don't understand the whole culture of it. But this year I wanted to make it a point to get out of the house and find something to do, because I would have gladly watched it with one person. I would have appreciated every moment of that damn game, I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else in the world, but with this one person. I would have cherished that day, like I cherish all of our other memories together, but unfortunately it was just another painful reminder that this was an important day to him, a fun day, and I couldn't be a part of it, no matter how badly I wanted to. I knew that if I stayed home, one of two things would happen, I would sleep away the day to try and forget about it, or I would be wallowing in my sorrow and crying every time I would hear the sounds of the game coming from the next room.
Maybe I made the right decision, maybe I didn't, considering I spent most of the game staring at the tv with my eyes glazed over. I was grateful to be able to go with a friend of a friend's house, but I swear to you, my brain would not process the images on the screen. By the end of the game, I still couldn't tell you what team wore what color and who had won or lost. I will admit I did find the half time show enjoyable, so that's something. And truth be told, most people were on their phones after that anyways. My goal was to get out of the house, meet some new people and not be a hermit for the day, and to show that, yes for the past four years I watched the Super Bowl with my other half, he doesn't own that day. I could still get out and watch it and make plans and I didn't need him to do so. Although obviously, I think we all know what I would have chosen, if I had been invited somewhere else.
Overall, I think I accomplished what I set out to do. I think in times like these, you just have to force yourself to leave the house, or even just your room from time to time. You have to join the real world and not hide away from the rest of the world. Ok, I know I'm a hypocrite, because yes I would love to hide from the rest of the world, and actually I think that's ok. As long as you do make an effort from time to time, and then hopefully with time, it'll get easier and it won't be as much of an effort. My good friend Danielle said I should give myself a pat on the back for making it through three hours of football, or however long it was and she definitely would not have lasted that long. I got a kick out of that. I made it! haha
In fact, maybe I should be patting myself on the back. On Saturday I hung out with another good friend I've known since 7th grade and at the end of the night we decided to go grab some dinner. We ended up with two choices and I consciously chose to eat at a burger place that I hadn't eaten at since before the break up. Of course it made me sad because he was the last person I ate there with, but I think it was a giant step forward for me, or maybe just a baby step, but either way, it was something I've avoided until now. I've avoided anything that even slightly reminds me of him, which of course is not feasible to continue forever. We have a long history together and I don't think I could possibly avoid every single place we've been together, or even the places where the last time I visited it was just me or him. I wouldn't have very many places to go, to be honest. And I'm not ready to throw myself into watching our old tv shows, I'm still avoiding that, or visiting all of our old places, but I'm glad that I did it and I know I can do it.
I've always done things in my own time and maybe that's been a bit slower than other people, but I'm happy taking baby steps, because I know they're steps. I'm still depressed everyday and I'm still having trouble doing little things and mustering enough energy to get through the day without a nap. I think it's important for me to mention something about that last sentence, for me and all the other sufferers of mental health issues out there. I have to stress that this is not a form of laziness by any means. I can only speak personally about my own experiences, but I am educated on this subject, through personal experiences, hearing the experiences of others, having a bachelor's degree in psychology, and wanting to be a counselor one day, I do have some knowledge on the subject. But I am in no way an expert, or even close. It just kills me when I hear people throw out the lazy term, when they've never experienced depression. I know that most people can't understand what it's like, but I think more people should make an effort to be as empathetic as they possibly can, even if they'll never fully know. Depressed people have trouble with energy levels and motivation and it's not because they don't care or they don't want to do something.
For me personally, it's more a matter of feeling as if I can't do something because such a simple task can be so monumentally physically and mentally exhausting that I just shut down. I can feel it happening. My brain starts to tune out (much like when I watch football I suppose!), and I just want to curl up in bed and sleep the day away to get all the negative or anxious feelings at bay. I WANT to pick up that telephone and make that phone call, I WANT to put those dishes in the dishwasher, but my arms and hands start to feel like lead and my eyes start to droop as I stare off into space. I may start thinking, "What's the point? What does any of this matter?" And if I do manage those tasks, that just about takes any energy I had in the first place, but that's a victory for me. Now this may sound extreme and sure, it's an extreme example, not everyday or certainly not everyone is like this. But it does happen, especially during difficult life situations.
I've also tried to remember that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. So I need a nap, who cares. So I need an off day, to escape and do nothing. It's not the end of the world. I'm still healing and I'm still not ok. The point is that I'm trying and at times, I'm succeeding. I need to be kind to myself and my body and take the time I need, because really, it will take time, maybe a lot of time, and there's no point in fighting that. So no, I'm not lazy, and I know that and the people that truly care about me know that, but I hope that more and more people think before they throw out labels. Ok, my lecture is over! Wasn't too bad, right?
I'm just tired of being sad. Being sad makes me tired and I'm tired of being tired. I guess it's a cycle, but one that can and will be broken. And I did survive game day didn't I? If I can survive that, I can survive this right? I made it. I can do this and I can make it!
-Amelia
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