So, I know it's been awhile, but I just couldn't bring myself to even blog, much less do anything else and as I sit here in a lot of pain, suffering and wondering when will this ever end? I just wanted to check in and at least right something for anyone out there who reads this. Even just for myself, to accomplish something, to not give up, and to try and get some feelings out. It's just been an exhausting week and I feel drained. I'm just so over these physical problems. It really frustrates me and I try not to lose hope that one day I'll be better. God has a plan for my life and for some reason, which I wish I knew, I just have to endure this right now and have faith that this will get better and this is for a reason. It's such a hard thing to remain positive when you just feel absolutely terrible. I'm having adverse side effects from the medication they put me on and it just makes my mind wonder and spin and think, WHAT IS THE DAMN PROBLEM?? Sorry, for cursing and shouting, but that is just how I feel right now. It's been really limiting on what I can do, which does not help being depressed. I came to a point tonight where I asked myself and the Lord, "Why am I here? What is the point of this suffering and misery? I can't even help myself, so how can I possibly help others Lord and make a difference?"
You know you've reached a low point when you're questioning why you even exist on this planet in the first place. I think I need to do a bit more reflecting on this point. Of course I wish I could have a direct conversation with God and he could just tell me all the answers I want or need to hear, but I know it doesn't work like that. Unfortunately, we just have to be tested. I'm really try to pass this one, I really am. I'm just so tired. I feel beaten down and shaken to my very core. I have goals in my life and all of this extra... "nonsense" I'm dealing with just feels like another set back. Just feels like one bloody set back after another. I feel like, if I knew the reason why this was happening, what good would come of it, it would be easier to handle. But I know that defeats the purpose. The end result wouldn't be the same. It's like in Harry Potter, and yes I'm making a Harry Potter reference. If you don't know me, then I should explain that I am a Harry Potter fanatic, but I'm currently on pain medication and very tired. My brain feels like mush, so forgive me if I get some of it wrong. But, as I was saying, it's like in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone when Harry tells Ron and Hermione that he had a feeling that Dumbledore knew pretty much everything that was happening around Hogwarts and he thought Dumbledore knew they were trying to go after the sorcerer's stone and he let them try because he wanted Harry to be tested and let him try on his own before coming to his rescue, to prove that he could face tough challenges. Well that was the gist of it anyways. Of course Hermione was completely outraged and thought it was horribly irresponsible of Dumbledore to let them face such danger, but Dumbledore knew what he was doing and knew that Harry would only grow stronger from the experience and Harry appreciated that and knew that. Well I feel more like Hermione at this stage, to a certain extent, not exactly the same. I need to be like Harry, assured of himself and confident that he was being tested for a damn good reason and he would rise to the occasion.
"Happiness can be found even in the darkest times if one only remembers to turn on the light." -Albus Dumbledore.
My world sometimes feels like I'm stuck in the darkness, a pitch black room, but I have the ability to turn on the light, somehow, some way. If I can just light even the smallest candle to give myself a flicker of light, I'll become even stronger until I can find that almighty light switch. The one that will fill my room and my world with hope and peace and eventually happiness. I think tonight I was able to get a flickering light started after I went through a few matches. Yes, I was in terrible pain, yes I was miserable, but I decided to do something, to reach out to people and I have to say I love being a Christian. The amazing support you receive from your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, who were more than willing to share testimonies, encouragement, prayers and support. It really was a blessing. Ask and ye shall receive! I'm so thankful to have been able to communicate with such sweet people willing to take time out of their day to spread the good news of the gospel! So I thank you Lord for showing that having even the slightest amount of faith can bring blessings and that you let me know you are there and listening! Praise the Lord!
If anyone is in any need of prayers or encouragement, please feel free to comment or message me and please reach out to someone today that might need it. It really does make a difference. Sorry if this blog was a little rambly and disoriented, but I just wanted to throw something together quick and like I said I've been pretty out of it. Plus, it's 4 in the morning, which is getting late even for me. So thanks for sticking with me and I hope everyone is well. I'll try to check in soon!
No comments:
Post a Comment