Have you ever had the feeling of the wind being knocked out of you? An intense sensation, so sudden, it stops you in your tracks? Yea, trust me, I know that feeling. The worst part about it, is that it's often unexpected or comes with little to no notice. All you can do is try to keep going, step by step, breath by breath, thought by thought. Anything to work through it and carry on as if nothing happened, but you're almost doing yourself a disservice because something did happen. Some thought, some object or word, reminded you of things you don't want to be thinking about, things you can't be thinking about if you want to keep a smile on your face, even if it's fake or just to be polite.
I had to visit the doctor the other day and he actually told me that I needed to smile more, to which I just smiled politely, the kind that doesn't reach your eyes, which doesn't make it any less genuine, in my opinion, it's just the best a person can do sometimes. Lately, it seems like I can't escape those dreadful reminders of a different life, a happier life, a life where a piece of my heart and soul wasn't missing. I suppose the most inconvenient times to have these little bouts of anxiety are when I'm driving in the car, especially at night. I'll drive by a certain store or restaurant or a crowded movie theater on a Saturday night, when I know the only place I have to go is home, and the waterworks just start flowing. The gut feeling hits me, the wind knocking feeling and I have to struggle not to lose control of myself, because after all, I am driving. My mom always worries when I tell her this and reminds me how unsafe it is, but it's not like I asked for it, it's not like I can just turn it off.
To make things worse lately, I've been in a lot of physical pain, hence the visit to the doctor. I'm trying all things possible to avoid having my gallbladder removed, so we'll see how that turns out. It just makes you wonder, how much can one person take? I already feel like I'm at my breaking point at times, where I just want to scream and throw things and just altogether give up. I know that God tests people and the whole point is to keep your faith. Keep going and you will be rewarded. I mean, I don't think I can be miserable and in pain my whole life, but it makes me angry and resentful. Why am I being tested this hard and so consistently? What did I do to deserve this? I don't think it's a punishment. I'd like to think that some of the strongest people are the ones that are thrown the most to deal with. I've been through a whole heck of a lot in my lifetime and I've always come out through it in the end and I can only assume this is no different, but I have to admit, it's never been quite this bad. But as everyone says, time heals, time makes everything better and I've never been a very patient person, so perhaps that doesn't help, but I believe, or I have to believe, that one day things will get better. So please Lord, if you're listening, please help me hold onto this hope and help put the pieces of my life back together.
And one day, hopefully sooner, rather than later, my blogs won't be quite so depressing and I can add in some other topics I like to talk about as well. In fact, I might make that a goal. To review some books, talk about some make up, and just try to focus on other things as well. But I hope by sharing all of this, I can help someone out there. Let someone else know that they're not alone and not the only ones going through what seems to be a hopeless time in their lives. And if I meet some people I can commiserate with and just share some encouragement between each other, then this will all be worth. For now, I'm getting by, just like I always have, and I hope anyone out there struggling is doing the same! God bless!
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