Breaking Up is Hard To Do...

I have to say the past few months have been some of the worst months of my life. Sure, people say dramatic things all the time. "OMG! That was the worst day of my life!" Or, "Ugh, I hate my life!" Phrases that can hold so much meaning and intensity have become so blasé in today's society. It's a shame really, because we all should have been saving them for when we really needed them. It's as if we've cried wolf too many times and now no one will take them seriously. Well, I'm asking for a favor from everyone. To save their phrases for when they're needed and for people to really start listening to each other. Let's all save the dramatics for a truly dramatic situation.

I guess you could say I have been dramatic lately, and for a damn good reason. I will use those phrases today and very likely for many days to come. Today feels like one of the worst days of my life and yes, I sort of hate it, but I think that's ok for now. Breaking up is hard to do and everyone is different and every situation is different. Some break ups are harder than others. I can only speak about my own experiences and this break up is nearly killing me. I truly believed that I had found my soul mate and my other half, my best friend and confidante. My everything. And now it's gone. He's gone. My one and only. A part of me still believes deep down that he is my true soul mate and we'll end up back together one day. I know that if it's meant to be, some how, some way, we'll find our way back to each other, like the plot of a Nicholas Sparks novel.

God is the only one that knows who the right person for me is, but for now, it's just not who I thought it was. I think the hardest thing about this whole situation is that I love him unconditionally. Yes, he has flaws and things to work and so do I, but ya know what? I could never stop loving him, no matter how hard I tried. I accept him for him and would do anything for him and I hope he never forgets that. It's sad to feel like your future has been ripped away from you after you've envisioned a happy ending for so long. An ending, or rather a beginning I guess you could say, with an expensive white gown and fancy cake, followed shortly thereafter by the pitter patter of little feet running around.

I just have to have faith that I can survive this, that I can still have my white gown and cake in the future, but I need to accept that it won't be in my timing or happen in the way I want it to. I'm not in charge of that and that's a hard pill to swallow. But in the here and now, I'll have to deal with the long days and nights of uncertainty, the tension / stress headaches I so frequently get from the non stop crying, and the general feeling of loneliness that's settled upon me, like a grey cloud hovering above my head.

I'm thankful for the support from family and friends that I've been getting that have made it possible to even get out of bed and to force down some food from time to time. Yea, it really has been that difficult. Anything past sleeping and eating (maybe a meal a day) seems like an exhausting chore that I just don't have the motivation to complete.

But then there are those moments in the day where I catch myself smiling, where I accomplish one productive thing, no matter how small, and I realize that the dramatics won't be here forever. Yes, it will hurt like a bitch for a long time, I will have my moments of hopelessness and my setbacks, and quite frankly I know I won't be ok for a long, long time. But Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, did not put me on this earth to suffer endlessly.  I have a purpose and I want to reach out and help people, people like me, who need it the most. So, yes, my future was ripped away from me, but I've created a new one for myself and when I get my counseling degree in a few years, I know I will be able to make a difference and I think I'll be a damn good one. I'll have the advantage of having plenty of empathy and that, I think will be invaluable. While breaking up is hard to do, sometimes the hardest thing to do, there's no other option but to stand on your own two feet and just keep going.

Thanks for sticking with me for a long one! I think I'm actually quite incapable of writing a short post once I get started! But please, if there is anyone out there suffering or anyone that just wants to reach out, please do so. I'd love to hear from you and I welcome any feedback. Words of encouragement are also very much appreciated. I'd love to reach out and meet new people. God Bless!

-Amelia

Getting By...

Have you ever had the feeling of the wind being knocked out of you? An intense sensation, so sudden, it stops you in your tracks? Yea, trust me, I know that feeling. The worst part about it, is that it's often unexpected or comes with little to no notice. All you can do is try to keep going, step by step, breath by breath, thought by thought. Anything to work through it and carry on as if nothing happened, but you're almost doing yourself a disservice because something did happen. Some thought, some object or word, reminded you of things you don't want to be thinking about, things you can't be thinking about if you want to keep a smile on your face, even if it's fake or just to be polite.

I had to visit the doctor the other day and he actually told me that I needed to smile more, to which I just smiled politely, the kind that doesn't reach your eyes, which doesn't make it any less genuine, in my opinion, it's just the best a person can do sometimes. Lately, it seems like I can't escape those dreadful reminders of a different life, a happier life, a life where a piece of my heart and soul wasn't missing. I suppose the most inconvenient times to have these little bouts of anxiety are when I'm driving in the car, especially at night. I'll drive by a certain store or restaurant or a crowded movie theater on a Saturday night, when I know the only place I have to go is home, and the waterworks just start flowing. The gut feeling hits me, the wind knocking feeling and I have to struggle not to lose control of myself, because after all, I am driving. My mom always worries when I tell her this and reminds me how unsafe it is, but it's not like I asked for it, it's not like I can just turn it off.

To make things worse lately, I've been in a lot of physical pain, hence the visit to the doctor. I'm trying all things possible to avoid having my gallbladder removed, so we'll see how that turns out. It just makes you wonder, how much can one person take? I already feel like I'm at my breaking point at times, where I just want to scream and throw things and just altogether give up. I know that God tests people and the whole point is to keep your faith. Keep going and you will be rewarded. I mean, I don't think I can be miserable and in pain my whole life, but it makes me angry and resentful. Why am I being tested this hard and so consistently? What did I do to deserve this? I don't think it's a punishment. I'd like to think that some of the strongest people are the ones that are thrown the most to deal with. I've been through a whole heck of a lot in my lifetime and I've always come out through it in the end and I can only assume this is no different, but I have to admit, it's never been quite this bad. But as everyone says, time heals, time makes everything better and I've never been a very patient person, so perhaps that doesn't help, but I believe, or I have to believe, that one day things will get better. So please Lord, if you're listening, please help me hold onto this hope and help put the pieces of my life back together.

And one day, hopefully sooner, rather than later, my blogs won't be quite so depressing and I can add in some other topics I like to talk about as well. In fact, I might make that a goal. To review some books, talk about some make up, and just try to focus on other things as well. But I hope by sharing all of this, I can help someone out there. Let someone else know that they're not alone and not the only ones going through what seems to be a hopeless time in their lives. And if I meet some people I can commiserate with and just share some encouragement between each other, then this will all be worth. For now, I'm getting by, just like I always have, and I hope anyone out there struggling is doing the same! God bless!

Let's take it from the top!

I suppose I should introduce myself, as that only seems natural for a first post. But what to say? To bore you tedious details of my life? No, that doesn't seem fitting, at least not yet, seeing as how we only just met a sentence ago. A name seems like a good place to start though. I'm Amelia and I'm twenty six years old. I like to write, read, play video games, play around with make up, and take long walks on the... wait, never mind, scratch that. That's what everyone says right? Or, you're supposed to say that. I think I got confused for a second. I'm writing a blog and not filling out an online dating profile. Right, got it! There'll be a better time to learn more in the future, but I think that was a decent start for us to get acquainted.

I love how writing can be so therapeutic and so different for everyone. How everyone has a different style and different preferences, but even through those differences, writing can bring people together. It's a way to vent, to commiserate, to express things that can only expressed through the glorious expulsion of your innermost ideas and feelings. I've written my entire life and I can remember sitting on an airplane around the age of six and writing my own little story (as much as a six year old can write), and proudly explaining it to the woman I sat next to. My mother apologized to the lady and told me not to bother her, but the woman didn't seem to mind. "Oh, she's fine," the woman told my mother. "She's very creative."

I'm thankful that creativity has stuck with me ever since. I've even started a few novels. Yes, I know, that sounds terribly cliché, but alas, it's true. My stories are all my own and I've kept them that way, but I've decided to break out of my comfort zone a little bit and let my thoughts all hang out there. When you struggle with anxiety, you have to find ways to cope, and I thought a blog would be a nice healthy way to try and deal with my feelings. I must confess though, I'm an avid YouTube watcher and I follow grav3yardgirl religiously. If you haven't seen her channel, I would highly recommend giving it a try! I always admire how she feels free to be herself and speak openly about her struggles with depression and anxiety and never shies away from flaunting her sassy and quirky personality on camera. I figured if Bunny could do it, then why can't I? And why support this negative stigma our country has with discussing mental health issues?

So I guess that's why I'm here. To give this whole blogging your feelings to the internet world a shot! I really don't know if it's going to help, if it's going to stick, or really, what's going to happen. But I do know one thing, and that is that sometimes a writer just has to write!