I have to say the past few months have been some of the worst months of my life. Sure, people say dramatic things all the time. "OMG! That was the worst day of my life!" Or, "Ugh, I hate my life!" Phrases that can hold so much meaning and intensity have become so blasé in today's society. It's a shame really, because we all should have been saving them for when we really needed them. It's as if we've cried wolf too many times and now no one will take them seriously. Well, I'm asking for a favor from everyone. To save their phrases for when they're needed and for people to really start listening to each other. Let's all save the dramatics for a truly dramatic situation.
I guess you could say I have been dramatic lately, and for a damn good reason. I will use those phrases today and very likely for many days to come. Today feels like one of the worst days of my life and yes, I sort of hate it, but I think that's ok for now. Breaking up is hard to do and everyone is different and every situation is different. Some break ups are harder than others. I can only speak about my own experiences and this break up is nearly killing me. I truly believed that I had found my soul mate and my other half, my best friend and confidante. My everything. And now it's gone. He's gone. My one and only. A part of me still believes deep down that he is my true soul mate and we'll end up back together one day. I know that if it's meant to be, some how, some way, we'll find our way back to each other, like the plot of a Nicholas Sparks novel.
God is the only one that knows who the right person for me is, but for now, it's just not who I thought it was. I think the hardest thing about this whole situation is that I love him unconditionally. Yes, he has flaws and things to work and so do I, but ya know what? I could never stop loving him, no matter how hard I tried. I accept him for him and would do anything for him and I hope he never forgets that. It's sad to feel like your future has been ripped away from you after you've envisioned a happy ending for so long. An ending, or rather a beginning I guess you could say, with an expensive white gown and fancy cake, followed shortly thereafter by the pitter patter of little feet running around.
I just have to have faith that I can survive this, that I can still have my white gown and cake in the future, but I need to accept that it won't be in my timing or happen in the way I want it to. I'm not in charge of that and that's a hard pill to swallow. But in the here and now, I'll have to deal with the long days and nights of uncertainty, the tension / stress headaches I so frequently get from the non stop crying, and the general feeling of loneliness that's settled upon me, like a grey cloud hovering above my head.
I'm thankful for the support from family and friends that I've been getting that have made it possible to even get out of bed and to force down some food from time to time. Yea, it really has been that difficult. Anything past sleeping and eating (maybe a meal a day) seems like an exhausting chore that I just don't have the motivation to complete.
But then there are those moments in the day where I catch myself smiling, where I accomplish one productive thing, no matter how small, and I realize that the dramatics won't be here forever. Yes, it will hurt like a bitch for a long time, I will have my moments of hopelessness and my setbacks, and quite frankly I know I won't be ok for a long, long time. But Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, did not put me on this earth to suffer endlessly. I have a purpose and I want to reach out and help people, people like me, who need it the most. So, yes, my future was ripped away from me, but I've created a new one for myself and when I get my counseling degree in a few years, I know I will be able to make a difference and I think I'll be a damn good one. I'll have the advantage of having plenty of empathy and that, I think will be invaluable. While breaking up is hard to do, sometimes the hardest thing to do, there's no other option but to stand on your own two feet and just keep going.
Thanks for sticking with me for a long one! I think I'm actually quite incapable of writing a short post once I get started! But please, if there is anyone out there suffering or anyone that just wants to reach out, please do so. I'd love to hear from you and I welcome any feedback. Words of encouragement are also very much appreciated. I'd love to reach out and meet new people. God Bless!
-Amelia
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