When an Introvert Gets Out.

I recently heard, or rather read, that someone described themselves as an introvert and outgoing. Now I personally believe that this is an oxymoron. I consider myself to be an introvert. I'm perfectly content to stay at home and read a book or play a video game, or just hang out with one or two close friends. I prefer more introverted activities and I would never say I'm outgoing, but that doesn't mean I never leave the house. I've been into trying new things lately. Maybe that's what it means to be an introvert and outgoing? I don't know, this is a hard one. I guess if I think about it, I can see what some people would mean, but I think how people use the word outgoing in general just doesn't correlate with the definition of an introvert. So, what is the definition of an introvert exactly? Well, according to Merriam-Webster online, introversion is the act of directing one's attention toward or getting gratification from one's own interests, thoughts, and feelings. An extrovert is defined as a friendly person who likes being with and talking to other people: an outgoing person.

Well, just the fact the dictionary uses the term outgoing in the definition of extrovert, would imply that an introvert can not be outgoing. But, does that mean that an introvert cannot be a friendly person that that likes being with certain people, or talking to other people? I don't think I like these definitions. They seem very black and white. An extrovert can surely get gratification from being in tune with their own thoughts and feelings. But these are only one set of definitions and I think there are different ways to define or interpret these words. And I don't see the world as being black or white, or one extreme or another. To me, there's always a gray area in everything. So now I feel like I'm facing a conundrum. What am I? Who am I? Ok, that was a bit of an exaggeration haha

I find it harder to socialize with people I don't know and I feel more comfortable in smaller groups or in one to one interactions. I'm very shy and quiet around people I don't know, which makes it hard to connect with new people or meet new people, but once I am comfortable around someone, I feel like my, 'true' personality is able to shine through. I can be very loud with my friends, we feed off of each other's energies, and I do enjoy going out with them, to possibly even, wait for it...try something new and exciting! I've even joined a meet up group and gone out to trivia nights and karaoke! Did I feel uncomfortable at times? Yes. Did I feel a little socially awkward and struggle with what to say at times? Yes. Was it hard? Yes. Am I glad I did it? Yes. Will I do it again? Yes. Will it get easier with time and practice? Yes. So, yes, I'm an introvert and I get out of the house and make an effort to meet new people and make new friends, but I would never consider that to be outgoing in any way. I think that's the difference. An extrovert would just go along for the ride, be able to speak freely and feel less socially awkward. I feel like they are the life of the party, always wanting to be around people, the easiest of people to talk to, and always have a group of people at their disposal to call up and dance the night away. Now that is outgoing!

But really these are all just labels and who cares? You are who you are! I just found it interesting to think about it and wanted to throw my thoughts out there, since it's been something on my mind. I think with everything I've been going through and trying to come up with a fresh start for my life, it's been a goal of mine to get out more and I do want to expand my social circle. I think it's important to try and get out there, inside of staying at home where I could keep ruminating in my thoughts and perpetuating a cycle of loneliness and depression. Now, that's not to say I'm still not dealing with that, because trust me, I am! And to be honest, sometimes I just plain don't want to do it and some of that is just situational right now. For me, I think this is a case of practice makes perfect, or practice makes ... well makes it better!

It's been a new venture for me, to really get out of my comfort zone and it's been challenging. When you have a best friend you do everything with for 4 years, you fall into a routine and a comfort zone and you don't have to do any of these things. You can easily avoid them. It's been hard because I haven't had to do this in years and I haven't wanted to, but now that I'm in a totally different situation, it's not an option anymore to live the way I had lived for so many years. Sometimes it makes me angry that I feel like I have to do these things that are hard for me or that I'm forced to change my life suddenly and do things that are uncomfortable. I see it sometimes as a necessary evil. I've even come home from an event feeling even more sad and alone because I didn't have anything in common with the few people I was sitting with and it's not that I didn't want to not be a part of the conversation, but I didn't have anything to add to that particular subject. It made me think, why did I even bother to go? It was a failure, I should I just stayed home! It just feels discouraging, especially when you try to go out to feel better and end up crying all the way home. But hey, that's my life right now. I just have to remember to be patient with myself and that I'm still making progress and I should be proud of myself that I'm getting out. Like, I said, it will get better with time. After all, I am just an introvert trying to get out! But, in all seriousness, I think in the end it's gonna really pay off for me and I'll be sure to keep you guys filled in!

So, what do you guys think of the whole introvert vs. extrovert thing? Which one are you? Or do you feel like you can't pick one or the other? If you feel like it, leave me a comment below or message me on Google +. I'd be really interested to hear from you guys or even just to hear a hello! Thanks for reading and have a great rest of the weekend!

-Amelia

Taking a Mental Health Break...

So, I know it's been awhile, but I just couldn't bring myself to even blog, much less do anything else and as I sit here in a lot of pain, suffering and wondering when will this ever end? I just wanted to check in and at least right something for anyone out there who reads this. Even just for myself, to accomplish something, to not give up, and to try and get some feelings out. It's just been an exhausting week and I feel drained. I'm just so over these physical problems. It really frustrates me and I try not to lose hope that one day I'll be better. God has a plan for my life and for some reason, which I wish I knew, I just have to endure this right now and have faith that this will get better and this is for a reason. It's such a hard thing to remain positive when you just feel absolutely terrible. I'm having adverse side effects from the medication they put me on and it just makes my mind wonder and spin and think, WHAT IS THE DAMN PROBLEM?? Sorry, for cursing and shouting, but that is just how I feel right now. It's been really limiting on what I can do, which does not help being depressed. I came to a point tonight where I asked myself and the Lord, "Why am I here? What is the point of this suffering and misery? I can't even help myself, so how can I possibly help others Lord and make a difference?"

You know you've reached a low point when you're questioning why you even exist on this planet in the first place. I think I need to do a bit more reflecting on this point. Of course I wish I could have a direct conversation with God and he could just tell me all the answers I want or need to hear, but I know it doesn't work like that. Unfortunately, we just have to be tested. I'm really try to pass this one, I really am. I'm just so tired. I feel beaten down and shaken to my very core. I have goals in my life and all of this extra... "nonsense" I'm dealing with just feels like another set back. Just feels like one bloody set back after another. I feel like, if I knew the reason why this was happening, what good would come of it, it would be easier to handle. But I know that defeats the purpose. The end result wouldn't be the same. It's like in Harry Potter, and yes I'm making a Harry Potter reference. If you don't know me, then I should explain that I am a Harry Potter fanatic, but I'm currently on pain medication and very tired. My brain feels like mush, so forgive me if I get some of it wrong. But, as I was saying, it's like in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone when Harry tells Ron and Hermione that he had a feeling that Dumbledore knew pretty much everything that was happening around Hogwarts and he thought Dumbledore knew they were trying to go after the sorcerer's stone and he let them try because he wanted Harry to be tested and let him try on his own before coming to his rescue, to prove that he could face tough challenges. Well that was the gist of it anyways. Of course Hermione was completely outraged and thought it was horribly irresponsible of Dumbledore to let them face such danger, but Dumbledore knew what he was doing and knew that Harry would only grow stronger from the experience and Harry appreciated that and knew that. Well I feel more like Hermione at this stage, to a certain extent, not exactly the same. I need to be like Harry, assured of himself and confident that he was being tested for a damn good reason and he would rise to the occasion.

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest times if one only remembers to turn on the light." -Albus Dumbledore.

My world sometimes feels like I'm stuck in the darkness, a pitch black room, but I have the ability to turn on the light, somehow, some way. If I can just light even the smallest candle to give myself a flicker of light, I'll become even stronger until I can find that almighty light switch. The one that will fill my room and my world with hope and peace and eventually happiness. I think tonight I was able to get a flickering light started after I went through a few matches. Yes, I was in terrible pain, yes I was miserable, but I decided to do something, to reach out to people and I have to say I love being a Christian. The amazing support you receive from your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, who were more than willing to share testimonies, encouragement, prayers and support. It really was a blessing. Ask and ye shall receive! I'm so thankful to have been able to communicate with such sweet people willing to take time out of their day to spread the good news of the gospel! So I thank you Lord for showing that having even the slightest amount of faith can bring blessings and that you let me know you are there and listening! Praise the Lord!

If anyone is in any need of prayers or encouragement, please feel free to comment or message me and please reach out to someone today that might need it. It really does make a difference. Sorry if this blog was a little rambly and disoriented, but I just wanted to throw something together quick and like I said I've been pretty out of it. Plus, it's 4 in the morning, which is getting late even for me. So thanks for sticking with me and I hope everyone is well. I'll try to check in soon!

I made it through the dreaded weekend!

Well, it's true, I did make it out alive. This weekend was rough, but I knew it would be. I saw all of these lovely posts on Facebook with pictures of flowers that someone's significant other gave them, or an edible arrangement, or even the sappy lovey dovey posts that husbands / wives and girlfriends / boyfriends wrote to each other. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for those people, I'm not completely bitter that I want everyone else to suffer and no one to have a happy Valentine's Day. But all the same, it was hard to see and not feel a little jealous or depressed from it. I even dreamed of waking up and finding an edible arrangement on my doorstep or just a rose or two. Ok, ok, I know that was a completely unrealistic fantasy, but what can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic and it could have just been a friendly gesture, knowing I'm going through a rough time. Yea, I guess that might even be more unrealistic, but it's totally something I would do! In fact, I did get him a little Valentine's gift and before anyone says anything, I couldn't help myself. Like I said, friendly gesture haha

The next day I headed over to the condo to pack up some stuff and I really, really tried not to cry, but I think we all know that I was fighting a losing battle. I must say, I was only half crying most of the time and not hysterically sobbing, that is until I got in the car to go home, leaving him is always the hardest and I usually spend the entire trip half screaming and half sobbing and I wind up with on the worst headaches by the time I get home. But I think I made some progress by not falling into full on hysterics. I had this lovely game plan in my head. Oh, I'll just go over, have a good day, pack up my stuff, watch one of our favorite shows together and it'll be a good day. Well... let's just say pretty much none of my plan worked out. It turns out there was a little miscommunication and he wasn't able to be home earlier and then he had a lot of work to do. So, I was already anxious about packing my things and I think that only added to my being overwhelmed. I only got some of my stuff packed up and we weren't able to watch our show because he had things he needed to do for work.

Ok, here's the thing. The minute I walked in that door and saw him, I feel like I fell in love with him all over again. My mind and body were dying for a hug, a touch, any sort of affection. I just wanted to curl up on the couch with him, like old times, and feel safe and secure. He was my comfort, my rock, my everything. I still want all of those things and I would kill just to have that love returned. I think one of the hardest things to deal with in life is loving someone so completely and unconditionally and not being able to feel that love in return or not to be able to be with that person. I think that's why the water works come so easily when I see him, I just can't turn off my feelings for him and I don't want to. My stubborn self still wants to believe that he could be my soulmate. It's so hard to just want to be held by someone and you have to just keep your distance. I'm not naive enough to think that if we were to get back together today, everything would be fine. No, I know that we both have our own separate issues that we would need to work on and it would take a lot of time and commitment and 100% effort on both our parts. I believe we both need time to find ourselves and grow as people, but that doesn't mean that it can't ever happen. But I'll be damned if I'll ever let my best friend go. I'll do whatever it takes and I'll never stop fighting for us, even if he decides that it's not what he wants, I'll always leave the door open for him and I hope he knows that.

Some people may think I'm crazy. Maybe some people, some friends might ask, "Why? Why not just let go? Move on!" Yes, I may be crazy, but ya know what? I'm also one of the most loyal and possibly stubborn people you will ever meet and I just don't believe in giving up on someone you care about or someone you love. It's just not in my nature. I hope it doesn't lead me to more heartbreak in the future, because I feel like I've had enough of that to last a lifetime. But it's also a risk I'm willing to take.

I feel like I've already learned so much about myself and life throughout this process. Yes, I did make mistakes, but I think that's ok to do when you're still growing up, as long as you do learn something from it and try to make yourself a better person. I can honestly say that I don't think I would make a lot of the mistakes I've made in the past and I know this is just another life experience under my belt. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and everything in life is a lesson. I think I've gained a lot more empathy for other people and knowing what it's like to crave empathy from others and not receiving it, it only makes me want to keep that door open no matter what. To always be there for him and to always support him if he ever does need me. I know guys have a harder time expressing their emotions and not wanting to seem vulnerable, so they are less likely to ask for help. And I'm not singling him out, I really do mean guys in general. But I do hope if he (or anyone for that matter) really needs me or just feel like he needs someone, that he'll always let me be there for him and support him, and that's part of why my door will always be open. When I try to envision the future, I see both of us happy and healthy, living life as the best versions of ourselves, and always being there for each other.

 I know I've been trying to work on myself lately and I've been writing a lot about my coping and my feelings and this was a very detailed and specific post about this weekend and the time he and I spent together, but it's all just so raw and fresh and I needed to write it all out and I feel like this blog is very therapeutic for me and I need to write what I feel like I need to write. Sometimes, it just comes pouring out and maybe someone else out there can relate! Thanks to anyone tuning in and sticking with me, I really appreciate it and feel free to anyone out there to reach out to me. Hope everyone is well and I will write again soon and fill everyone in!

And to You, if you ever read this. I love you forever and always, no matter what. You know who you are <3